25 best analogies from hs students

supposedly these were real analogies from high school students:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

note to self: stay away from kansas

Story from the Wichita Eagle.

Maybe it was karma.

Three men attempted to kidnap a teenager in a dispute over stereo speakers shortly before 4:45 p.m. on Monday, Wichita police reported. One of the three pulled out a gun and fired it at the teen in the 1000 block of South Wichita.

The shot missed the teen. But then the shooter jammed the gun back into the waistband of his pants — and it went off.

The bullet struck the 23-year-old man in his left testicle, causing him to cringe — which caused the gun to fire again.

The second shot struck him in the left calf.

Police did not release information about the size of the gun he was using at the time.

The wounded man walked into Via Christi Regional Medical Center-St. Francis Campus seeking treatment, police said, and was later booked into the Sedgwick County Jail on suspicion of aggravated assault and aggravated attempted kidnapping.

His companions, ages 18 and 20, were arrested for aggravated attempted kidnapping and conspiracy to obstruct justice.

down in la the last couple days

i have been down here in marina del rey the last couple days and i’m on my way way. i went and visited tri in the biggest hospital i think i have ever seen in my life. he seemed to be wearing his paper gown pretty well. he also said some of the nurses there are pretty hot and that he’s feeling gross in his gown getup.

i played basketball for a couple hours with chester last night and nearly blacked out from the activity. it was a good tuneup for abe’s turkey day basketball challenge coming up in a couple weeks.

and, i saved the biggest news for last, but i had a mcrib sandwich last night! finally! i felt like ordering 100 and taking them home and putting them in the fridge for later consumption, but perhaps i’ll just wait to see if they come back to the bay area in the next months.

friday linkfestivalparty

i wonder if i can sneak in the new borat movie this weekend somehow. in the meantime, enjoy these fine stories:

jon stewart interviews borat [comedy central]

the true meaning of “rapping paper” [sihilldesign.com]

real life professor ratings. lesfeli could maybe add some here [biz of knowledge]

cool tag collection of presidential speeches. move the slider to the left to go back to the year 1900 [chir.ag]

keep track of your cingular minutes right from firefox [cingularminutes.blogspot.com]

Happy weekend everyone.

the mcrib is back (maybe)

but this time mcdonalds is saying it might be the last time they bring it back. wah!

there is, however, a website which you can visit to petition to bring the mcrib sandwich back again and again. i’ve already put in my 20 cents worth. please take a moment to visit the site and put your vote in. i would much appreciate it!