more and more people are on facebook now and i get a funny look from people sometimes when i say that i am not on it, because they assume that i’m riding the newest applications and computer fads. the more i hear about it, the more i am convinced that i am better off writing my own column.

i’ve seen some pictures of ex-girlfriends, former schoolmates and former co-workers on facebook (forwarded to me by friends, because you need a facebook account to even see profiles) and it’s not a pretty thing. if i wanted to hang out with you, i would be hanging out with you. if i have to find you on a social networking service, then i probably don’t have enough time in my life to make this relationship worthwhile. i think the only real benefit that facebook provides is looking at pictures of these people in my past school or work lives and seeing the transitions of the better looking girls into horribly ugly fat cows.

a time columnist pulled some of the best quotes from his “friends” profiles [time magazine]:

1. I eat tacos with a fork.
2. I was fat in middle school. The wake of that horror has yet to subside.
3. I keep forgetting that Barack Obama is our President.
4. I have been pooped on by a monkey.
5. I am addicted to the ass-slap dance move. Sometimes I don’t even notice I’m doing it.
6. When I finally told my now fiancé that I liked him (as in, liked him liked him), I drunkenly gave him the Anchorman line, “I want to be on you.” He had only seen the movie once and had no idea what it was from.
7. Just because I realize that Asian women are smarter, more attractive, and have about themselves a generally superior level of class does not mean I have a fetish. Just that I’m racist.
8. I eat gummy bears by tearing them limb from limb and eating their heads last.
9. I can’t grow hair on my arms.
10. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.
11. I think yoga is incredibly spiritual. I know the Lord is with me in my downward dog.
12. I was born with jaundice.
13. I was born pigeon-toed.
14. I was born with an extra kidney. I wish I could have sold it on the black market and made some money, but it was underdeveloped and did nothing but cause me to wet the bed until the third grade.
15. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.
16. A horse once fell over while I was riding it.
17. I don’t believe in democracy.
18. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.
19. I drink two glasses of wine every night before bed. Wait, did I just admit to alcoholism?
20. If you asked me to tell you my favorite movie, I would have a hard time not saying Titanic.
21. I once sent a teacher into early retirement by pretending to be a cheetah and swiping at her from under a desk.
22. I once ran into New Kids On the Block’s Joey McIntyre in the lobby of an off-Broadway show. I told him he was the first boy I ever loved. He laughed and kind of smiled. This was the most gratifying moment of my life.
23. My friends say that when they shave my back, I purr like a walrus.
24. I don’t understand what people see in the Godfather trilogy.
25. Sometimes I think pee smells like Cheerios.