Tag Archives: humor

dodgers are scammers

so the dodgers have signed a bunch of free agents this winter like schmidt, nomar, juan pierre, and luis gonzalez, while the giants got poorer and older re-signing bonds to his 37th season in san francisco where he’ll play maybe 50 games and be our dh when we’re in american league parks. great. i have to hear a whole season of steve cackling loudly and needling me, more so now that he’s moving up from la to about 0.1 miles away.

i can take solace in the fact that no matter how the dodgers do year-after-year, my personal friends will still hate them. even mozilla thunderbird, my email program, caught this sarcastic dodgers email sent by the aforementioned steve and rightfully flagged it as a SCAM:

top chuck norris facts

brizzle asked about the chuck norris facts today and so i thought it would be good to revisit my favorite ones:

1. Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.

3. There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

4. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

5. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

6. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

7. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

[and my favorite]

8. Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

25 best analogies from hs students

supposedly these were real analogies from high school students:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.